Just take the damn test already!

I wanted to fill you all in on Brandon's first sleepover, the birthday party we went to with Josh & Dawn for Brandon's little friend Danielle, my Christmas shopping adventures, how I made an ass out of myself by screaming with excitement to Katie over the phone while at work because she went poopie on the potty, how excited the kids are to be seeing Santa tonight, how excited I am to see their little faces on Christmas because I got Guitar Hero, James Bundy's autograph & Ponyville...but I can't! There's something that's been eating at me...

It started Sunday night when Red called me to tell me that Gregg had passed away & what she'd been told of the tragic circumstances of his untimely passing...my heart sank & that feeling was back, one I thought I'd gotten over (mostly). One I thought I'd placed in a dark corner of my heart only to re-visit when thinking of how Sammy had gone...& wondering if there were something I could have done to reach out better, or to try to wrap my mind around it all. I just can't...still.

But, I was there again...wondering all of those very same things, still feeling inadequate when it came to explaining to myself...wondering how a person just feels so much pain or worry or sorrow...wondering what they were feeling at all...something I'll never know.

I put it out of my head as best I could...but then last night as I stood there with a best girl on either side of me, my Red & Mooshie right there by my side as always, holding my hands...looking at this boy I once knew, who I shared so many laughs with, who got me into trouble & I didn't mind; because we were having fun & we were in a class we both loved...the moment took my breath away. I knew I couldn't have done it without those two girls...but I still couldn't walk away; I didn't want to leave him there like that, I didn't want to say goodbye.

I wanted to get another Merry Christmas email filled with the details of his children's faces when they opened gifts. I wanted to hear him complain that he's gaining weight, or he's too tired from working so much. I wanted to read the words he closed every single email with...Great to hear from you keep in touch! I wanted to keep in touch.

So, we sat...& I saw a tall man enter the room & it suddenly clicked...LIFE IS A TEST. I'm not a religious kind of girl...but it really did come to me from someone!! John Gamble walked in, this strong educator whom I admire greatly. He was moved by this event & he was gracious...when I graduated almost 15 years ago, I admired him. Knowing that he remembered us 15 years later & was happy to see we were well but wished we'd bumped into him under different circumstances- it touched me. He didn't need to be there, he didn't need to love his students, but he just did...that was Mr. Gamble always & he moved me to tears. But I really did hear it...LIFE IS A TEST. To stop myself from crying at my desk...I just thought...maybe Mr. Gamble is the second coming of Christ & he actually spoke those words to me...I know I have a sick sense of humor....but it is funny & that would be kinda cool! :)

So, I've been thinking...it's not a pass or fail kind of test, but I know there are definitely wrong answers. I'm not sure how I'm doing on my test...I know there are moments when I'm getting every answer right! I see that in my children. I looked at Gregg's children 2 of them upset & 2 untouched by the gravity of what was happening around them...based purely upon the fact that the # of years they've been taking their tests is just a small one...they'll never know their Daddy...that hurts my heart...he was a fun guy & a proud Daddy...I hope someone tells them that!

I know there have been moments in my test when I needed Cliff's Notes...there have been moments that required 2 friends & a phone book, moments that I needed Jody Carr to hold my hand in her daughter's room & tell me I answered that part of my test correctly, moments that required me taking a long drive across our country only to be rescued by Melissa Hall, moments that required my sister beating down doors to get to me, moments that required me taking my baby sisters to the police station...I'm not sure how I did on those parts, I guess we'll see.

But there are my moments...when I've reached out to a long lost friend to be given a best friend back for the rest of my life, moments when my best friend was there to hold my newborn & to rescue his Daddy at Burger King, moments when we as sisters in our hearts have loved each other through a loss of a loved one...seeing those 2 faces when all hope is gone...those are moments I know I'm rocking the HELL out of this test.

I was never very studious, good grades just came naturally to me so test taking isn't really an issue. I love tests & I love a challenge even more...& yes, life is a test. There are hard parts & easy parts. Parts where I don't know the answer but I can certainly phone a friend. I'm not against "cheating" at this test...sometimes more people need to help me with my test. And sometimes I just want to look away from my answer sheet & play with Play Doh & my babies all day! However, my one option I KNOW is NOT to stop taking this test, it is a test I am thankful for, even when I can't read the questions. It is a test that has blessed me with so much.

I do want all of you- wherever you are, to know that my solemn promise to you is...if at any time, day or night...you think you just can't take your test anymore...CALL ME...I will come running...I will bring my cheat sheet, or a bottle of wine, or 2 arms to hug you tighter than you could possibly imagine...I WILL TAKE YOUR TEST WITH YOU!!! I mean that more than you can ever know! The questions I have in my heart are too many to bear another unknown loss. I will be there, I swear...don't stop believing in US, we can get through anything together.

I love you all completely...with all that I am...LOVE YOURSELVES!!

AND TAKE THE DAMN TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!